So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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