Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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