I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Randomize
