he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
The beer is more important than you right now.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
There's always time for handjobs
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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