"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
