when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Are we still banned from the library?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
My liver just had a heart attack.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
