Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
