I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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