Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
