Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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