remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
