If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
