I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
