we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You made out with two different species that night
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
