I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
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