Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Sober January is a disaster.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
