just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
