my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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