her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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