2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
