I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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