I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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