when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
