I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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