Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
