Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Randomize
