ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
