Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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