Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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