All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
