The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
