OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
