Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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