Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
