i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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