I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
