Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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