he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
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