he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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