His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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