i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
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