I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
