Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Randomize
