on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
do nipples grow back?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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