remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
