i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
