he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
