who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
