There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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