Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
