I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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