hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
