My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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